The Lost Love

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By Alondria Buggs

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I spent a long time trying to love me

But not in a love hate intrapersonal relationship

I want to love me for all that I am and

Everything God has graced me with to offer

I was blessed with so much

I am blessed with so much

I earn my keep

I made my name then disowned it

Because I didn’t love me enough to embrace me

It is quite clear that I am on the fluffy side of life

But that does not make me soft…..when it really matters

I spent most of middle school crying in corners where no one looked

Because if you weren’t loud enough and part of the “IT” crowd

Then you weren’t worth the attention

It is quite clear that I do not fit in on the more beautiful side of life

But they tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

But what if the beholder is blind?

Who will tell me I’m beautiful then?

Then came high school, where people say that titles don’t matter

In which they didn’t

Because people would say my name and all I heard was the who of the owls that barely turn their heads long enough to notice the ones around them because they were so obsessed with keeping up with those around them

And I longed to be seen

I found a me to like… eventually

I told myself that I would not lose myself while trying to please the unimportant

After that I slowly started to develop a worth for myself

I was my own role model

I didn’t look to anyone else

I looked deep inside myself to find the qualities that I wanted to be associated with me when people heard my name.

I became positive

Loving

Caring

Joyful

And friendly because apparently in my past life I was a bit attitudy

Soon after I found these qualities I became a new person to love and cherish

See because the innocence that I live and portray, naturally, got me called Mary Poppins

Then came this day where I was living the life of Alondria, but I didn’t know that would be the last day she would be alive

See because being raped of your innocence and being harassed of your mentality leaves a person dead inside …..steady seeking for a new identity to be aligned with beyond the one you spent so long trying to find has been destroyed with the wrong touch

You promised to love me and care for me

You promised to love me when I didn’t love myself

AND YET

You were the one to betray my trust in you and destroyed our relationship as if there was one to begin with.

At first I didn’t feel a thing

I knew it wasn’t my fault and knew it wasn’t right

Until one day in the Sam’s parking lot when the dam burst and my dried up tears flowed like a river touching a barren land for the first time after years of drought.

That was the last time I cried

I came to Westminster and I introduced myself as Buggs because Alondria was still dead to me

I made what I thought were friends

I saw my old friends making new friends and got jealous because I still felt like I was not worthy

I drew unwanted attention to myself because I wanted others to love me

But how can you expect others to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself

I began to withdraw because I realized that in order to be around others I first needed to be okay with being alone

With time and prayer

I began to feel my worth again, with my real friends enveloped around me

I built up the strength of my mind that I had lost and realized that the problem was in the past and the past was corrupting my present which was not allowing me to pave the path to my future

I found me again

A me to love

A me to embrace

Through the path of darkness I could’ve turned down an even darker path

But with God on my side I reignited the light in my soul which I thought had went out a long time ago, but it was dimmed

So please, let me start over and reintroduce myself.

Hi, I’m Alondria