Dare to Quit

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By Isidora Simeunovic

 

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          Four months away from her home, Luci was killing her time in the United States by studying, hanging out, and working. Her relationships in the past six years were built over one simple thing: a cigarette. In Serbia, they called it cigara, short for cigarette. She developed this passion for inhaling the thick smoke, letting it slide down her throat and exhaling, daily — more like twenty times per day. From the very beginning, it was the drug of her choice. Often, she would recall the time when she was just a little girl. Her dad would send her every morning to a local shop. It would always be the same drill, Ronhil 110S, newspapers, and a fresh loaf of bread. In the meantime, he would make them breakfast and serve coffee. His was dark and strong, just like the expression on his face before his morning ritual. Luci smelled the coffee already from the door. She would pull out her chair and sit at the table. After she got her coffee, which was mostly milk with only one drop of the finest refined coffee, they would both enjoy their morning ritual. Even though the custom says that the coffee is to be served to the head of the house first, she was daddy's little princess, so she got her’s before him. The rumor has it that all the kids who drink coffee will grow whiskers and a tail. Only later on did she realize it was a story to keep children away from drinking coffee.

          She realized that coffee wasn't the healthiest for children and soon discovered that it goes perfectly with cigarettes. Those two were like Bonnie and Clyde, inseparable.  And there she was 15 and smoking. She found her drug of the choice. But it was somewhat unexpected, since as a young sportsman she was highly against cancer sticks. She swore to her dad that she would not smoke ever since he was in coma and was deprived of one of the greatest pleasures in his life. Her older brother was smoker too, and he started at the age of 18, which is two years before she encountered cigarettes.

          Back in Serbia, six years ago was the moment when she inhaled her first puff, on the balcony of the seventh story building. Luci and Oskar were best friends and were sitting on the balcony, just had their New Year`s kiss. He turned towards her and said, "Do you want to share this cigarette with me?” She looked at him and stood in complete shock. Was it because of those two glasses of wine, or because of the beautiful panorama decorated with fireworks … Luci turned and said yes!

          With only one puff her childhood memories were there in front of her: Her dad, morning coffee, the smell.… He opened his newspapers and gave her the children`s edition. Both of them turned their paper from the back and started reading, rather intensely. While they were reading, her look would run up and down from time to time. She was patiently and attentively waiting for him to take the first sip of coffee, light his cigarette and take two puffs. Once he did, his face would change and he would seem much sweeter.

          Once he exhaled he turned towards Luci.  "How`s your coffee princess?”  She would take another sip, look at his deep blue eyes, smile and say, “great as always daddy”. Only when he was done with his cigarette, and she was blurred in fog of smoke would she dare to ask something. It was like a game for her.  She loved the intelligence that her father possessed and lived for a new day to learn something interesting from him.

          Often she would stop and ask “what is the highest mountain in the world?; what is the most expensive car in the world?; who discovered electricity?; who were Romulus and Remus?”

          She always had a new question waiting for its cue. She would carefully read and try to understand, knowing that he would ask her to read out-loud, and it would be followed by a discussion.

          Only a year after she took her first puff, Luci was hiding and smoking. Even though neither her brother nor her dad smoked anymore, she continued. That remained a public secret, while everyone was convinced or chose to believe that she was a weekend smoker. That meant that she would only smoke when she goes out. The situation was perfect for it, while smoking is allowed almost everywhere in Serbia, they thought it was just another stage of growing up.

          Six years later indeed it was the weekend, Luci was sipping on her cold beer in a local pub, when he walked in. She wasn’t a weekend smoker, neither was he.

          Luci turned towards her friend Sara. “Who is that? “ she asked. “He knows everyone here, and you know him too. Introduce me! Please!"

          “No, he`s not that good looking of a  guy. Look at Marko. He`s handsome, he studies in the United States, just like you.. and he doesn’t smoke.. You should quit too. He could help you!” Sara said this, while inhaling a puff of cigarette in her mouth, but not sliding it down her throat, she was one of those “weekend smokers”.

          Luci and Sara grew up together, and they have been best friends for almost twenty years. She was hopelessly trying to find a match for Luci, someone who had a similar background like her. She was constantly trying to put her in a long term relationship with someone, but she failed to understand that Luci was already in a committed relationship, with her Marlboro.

          Every time Luci would feel alone, yet irritated by the guys in the pub, overloaded with testosterone, she would light another one. She would take a deep inhale, and while she was exhaling all of a sudden everything would seem much better. She would dim the faces of annoying guys who were trying to have a one-night stand. Nicotine would numb her senses, and for a brief moment she would be sent by the smell to the pictures of her childhood.

          All the sweat, beer, testosterone, and cheap perfume smell would go away…

          Then she thought: “But he is different. He was not trying to bother me or talk to me”. From time to time Luci would sneak a peak towards the side of the bar where he was sitting. She would scan with her eyes across the room, trying to find his. She stood there looking at him lighting up his cigarette. Even though she was seeking for the passion in his inhales, likewise hers, she was too distracted with his eyes. They were special to her, and it almost seemed as if they were smiling. It immediately made her curl her lips into a smile, so she raised the glass and cheered towards him.

          Further the night was going, it became more difficult for her to handle pushy and annoying guys. She took advantage of a situation.  One of his friends stood up, she grabbed her beer, purse, and, of course, her cigarettes. She climbed up the stairs and sat next to him. As soon as she placed herself next to him, she felt safe. She was not lonely anymore, thus she instinctively leaned on him. After a brief moment she could smell the sweet scent of his perfume and feel the warm breath on her neck.

          “Excuse me young lady, but may I ask why are you turning your back towards me? Don`t you know that is inappropriate?

          “I do, and I am really sorry, that was not my intention. I came in defense desperately, don't you see? “

          He giggled, and placed his hand gently around her back. Not too low, not too high, just perfect enough to reach and hold her arm at the same time. Soon he turned towards her and said: “Would you like to go out for a cigarette and talk where it is less noisy?”

          She stood up without a word and grabbed his hand. She followed him through the door, as the pairs of eyes followed them. It was then that Luci realized she might have found the real love of her life. She was standing confused, yet very sure about everything. She was attentively listening to him talking about his cinematography projects, while she was getting lost in his green eyes. And there it was: “Where have you been my whole life?” Luci asked.

          Maybe it was because of the beer, the love song that was live performed in the background, or because of his eyes, or was it because of the cigarette. But she couldn't stop it. The words simply slipped out of her mouth. His name was Vanja.

          It was only three days after that she found herself in the car, driving into sunrise after the first night spent together. The whole night they spent talking in his studio. Luci was intrigued to learn so many new things from his world, and she kept constantly interrupting him.

          “What is the movie you’re working on about? How come you chose to be a cinematographer? What are the best rewards that you can earn? Is it fun to do all of this? What is exposure? How do you put all the parts together? Can you film stuff in one run? How, when …where…?”  

          He was slightly irritated by that, but soon he got used to it. Since he couldn't beat her, he joined her. It was 5:30am, and they were driving into sunrise, when Luci took a puff, looked at him, and completely let her guard down. The sun was overly exposing Vanja`s face and everything in front of them.   It seemed like a parallel reality, or a scene from a cheesy romantic movie, with his favorite music in the background. There was no change in her heart. Luci always loved him the same as she loved him the first day. She decided to make him feel important and make sure he never felt lonely, same as she did since they met.

          She woke up in the morning and put his shirt on. While she was bathing in his smell, he smelled her too. She was standing next to the stove waiting for coffee to boil. Everything seemed so serene, so slow.. so fluid.. she was peaceful.. He slowly sunk in and hugged her from behind.

          Everything sped up, and then she started thinking.

          I love my relationship with those cancer sticks. It has been years, no matter what I smoked. It did not matter if someone was born or someone died, I smoked. Good news, bad news, celebrations, drunk nights, good sex, bad sex, alone in the street, with 20 people in the room, still alone. New city, new country, old city, same place, new home. So many thoughts.. Breathe, Luci, breathe….

          It slowed down for a second, but the thoughts just started flying through her mind. They did not make sense when she started breaking them down. She kept them deep down for years, through all of her travels, and memories..  But then it started again.. and now she`s not trying to understand them separately, rather than putting them together, as broken as they are..

          New friendships, odds friends, new fights, endless cups of coffee, home, closed room filled with smoke. Yes, my cigarettes have been through all of this with me. They stood there side by side with me, no wonder why is it so hard to say goodbye to them. But there is something so attractive to our relationship, it is hidden and forbidden, yet so sweet and lustful.

          Over time they grew from a habit and a memory of my father to an obsession of my own. I could fully understand him now.

          I would wake up sometimes during the night, craving for that thick smoke to slide down my throat.

My first thought in the morning was directed to that cup of fresh coffee and a cigarette, but not the shit that I`m getting in the United States.

          He was attracted by the smell of coffee, but they were attracted by the smell of cigarettes. They sat, had their coffee and smoked. But it felt crowded. It was four of them and it felt overwhelming. For such a girl as Luci, two was enough in the relationship.

          I hate myself, and I hate those dirty cigarettes. How many times I woke up in the morning spitting dark brown saliva. Feeling like my lungs had two stones glued to them. This would usually happen when I would over-smoke during the night out. But it started happening more often to me. Sometimes my breath gets horrible, and I really feel ashamed of my mouth, I wonder does it smell like ass? How come a girl like me, with such hygiene, can have a mouth that smells like butthole?

          But it does not end there, my hair my fingers, everything stinks like smoke. Especially when I`m not home in Serbia, I feel like an outcast. The majority of time I just feel like a hooker, I mean I smell like one.. All the perfume and cigarettes.. who else smells like that?

          It gets annoying: “Ma’am you can't stand here! Miss can you please put it out? Hey! You`re breaking the law, cigarettes are not welcome here! Young lady, you are disrespecting God, you can`t be smoking in front of the church!"

          Come on Luci.. just get rid of that nasty habit. Your teeth are starting to get yellow...You are a bit over 20 and you already stopped running? Why? You stupid.. how many pairs of good shoes you could`ve got by now?

          She took another sip of the coffee and turned toward Vanja -“ Let`s quit smoking” she said.

Without a sign of a second thought, he put down his cigarette and said “if that is what will make you happy, let’s do it!”

          "Are you sure you want to do this?" Luci asked

          "Yes, I told you.. whatever makes you happy, we will do it. It is a nasty habit that we both have. I don't even understand why are we smoking. I was trying to quit for while, but I felt like I needed someone to do it with me!

Since we are doing this together, promise me something!"

          "What?" Luci asked.

          "If we`re quitting, we are doing this for good. There is no just one more, or I had a bad day and I need to have one. I want to do this properly. And I want to know that I can respect your word. You are giving me a promise that this will be for good."

          Luci was extremely excited, but scared at the same time. She was about to break up with the love of her life, or at least that`s what she thought, until she realized that she found even bigger one. She knew that she gave a promise, and she wanted it in the first place. She was looking for that stability in someone. The same one she had with cigarettes. Yet, he had one main difference.. Luci knew that Vanja will not kill her, and he will not bring all the bad thoughts she had about cigarettes. A relationship with him will be way more healthier.     

          "I am ready to do this.. and I give you my word," Luci said.

          So they did it. But it wasn't long after Luci came to his house. She would always sit and have a great conversation with his mum. From the doorstep you could hear his mother yelling “are we having Turkish or Ness”? the two most typical types of coffee to be found in their country. Translated into female language, it meant how much time do we have to gossip, enough for a slow drinking Turkish coffee or instant “Ness” one. The two of them connected over a cigarette and coffee, so it became their rituals, and while Vanja was busy in the bathroom, those two would smoke and enjoy their time.

          "How is my son treating you?" Vanja`s mom asked Luci.

          "He treats me well.. sometimes it is hard.. I know that I am leaving soon and this is so hard on him. Trust me it is on me too. But, he doesn't have as much of experience with long distance and everything..."

          "I know... boys will always be boys... I just wanted to make sure that you two were good. Honey, I am the happiest mother in the world right now. I was really worried for him before you two met. He was always a bit of closed up person. His dad was always hard on him... He was not like the rest of the boys."

          "I could see that." Luci smiled.

          "I know he is hard maintenance. Sometimes I feel like I did a very bad job raising him."

          "No! Please don't say that.. he`s been probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, next to all my school stuff." Luci looked at his mother with eyes full of hope.

          "Thank you for being so understanding. His relationship with us was always poor. He never wanted to talk... I know we moved a lot... and it was not the happy times you kids grew up in...War, inflation... it was bad... but us as parents... we did as much as we could..."

          "I am just so grateful to have someone to drink coffee with... I really don't know how to thank you..."

          "I don`t understand why are you thanking me."

          "Listen to me... before you met him, we thought he was depressed, gay, doing drugs... we hoped that it was none of that... but something was wrong. It was very obvious. But he didn't talk... he was never home... I never knew where he was... when I would see him at home I would be grateful that he is a good kid, and probably is studying somewhere. You know that there are way more worse things than that. But you showed up...and he started talking...we never met any girlfriends of his before. He started eating at home again. It gets lonely here. I make food, but no one eats. It just goes to waste. You put my family together, at least part of it. Please give him time... and don`t be hard on him... he`s full of love... trust me..."

          Luci just looked down at her coffee. She knew that this was the right thing to do. She was aware of the situation that they had in the house. She loved her family so much that it hurt her watching Vanja`s family fall apart. She was doing the best she could to put the broken pieces of this vase together. Slowly but surely she was building the relationships back in that house, by building herself in. It is something that Luci always wanted. She talked and gossiped with her mum, they even had coffee, but her mum was a nonsmoker, so they could not enjoy this dirty pleasure together. Even though both Vanja and Luci quit, moreover they quit because of her, she ended up smoking with his mother. When his mum would open the pack, offering her a cigarettes she couldn't say no. It felt like betraying their smoke/gossip session. It was that strong bond that they had over cigarettes, coffee, and, of course, Vanja. So she hid behind the balcony wall, where they sat, smoking a cigarette with his mother and trying not to get caught by Vanja. She knew he would not break up with her if he saw her smoking. It was about trust and strength. They made a deal, and Luci was a person of word. But her addiction was stronger at that point.

          Summer was close to its end, and so was Luci`s time in Serbia. On their way back from summer holiday in Greece, Vanja and Luci managed to run out of gas in the middle of the highway.

          “Get gas honey, we will not make it!” Luci said.

          “I will as soon as we get off the island, I will get it in the mainland of Greece, gas is much cheaper and better there.”

          “Do you promise? I can`t keep on reminding you.”

          “I do” he said.

          Somewhere between her reminding him about the gas and next 140km, she fell asleep. Oddly enough, there was no gas station. Vanja turned towards her and started poking her arm like a child “Honey, wake up, wake up... we`re out of gas,” he smiled.

          She felt the huge amount of stress floating through her body, and while she was realizing what had happened, Vanja was jumping in the middle of the highway like a bunny. Soon he was offered help by a Greek family, and he hitchhiked to the nearest gas station. At the same time Luci was alone in the car, at 35` Celsius, with a running period in the middle of the highway. The only thing she could think of was her “only for black days” pack of cigarettes, and a lighter. She needed her safety blanket, the only one who has never betrayed her. Finally when she did find it she felt much calmer. Yet, she felt empty. She was sitting all alone, and cigarettes wouldn`t do the job anymore. The only thing she could think of was his safety, and how are they going to overcome this problem. Luci was scared of being alone in the middle of highway. Vanja was gone to get the gas. Cigarettes used to keep her company when she was scared and feeling lonely.

          But she dropped her cigarette and took a kitchen knife that her mum packed for them, just in case they needed it. She found an empty plastic bottle in the back of the car and cut in half, leaving the top part to serve as a funnel for gas. Only once Vanja was back she realized that no amount of cigarettes could substitute the emptiness that she felt once he was gone. She smoked a cigarette because she was scared and alone, and that was the thing she used to do. But once she realized that it no longer helped her, and cigarettes were not satisfying her need of having someone real next to her, she knew that it was all because of Vanja.

          She realized she was addicted to nicotine and joyful play of cigarettes. Soon they were standing in front of the airport, saying goodbye to each other for the next four months. It was time for her to go back to the United States and study for another semester.  Luci opened her pack and saw that there was only one cigarette left.  

          “Would you like to share this with me before I take off?” she asked him. They indeed shared that cigarette as they shared everything else from the moment they`d met. They understood each other extremely well from day one. Luci and Vanja started talking over the cigarette the very first time they met. Even though they both quit, and gave each other promise that this will be for good, it seemed very appropriate at that point to share one, probably the very last one. Two hours later, Luci was on the plane to Rome. While waiting for the connection flight to the United States, she was flipping and playing with the box of cigarettes that she bought in duty free. Something did not seem right. It was no longer about her and her relationships. It was about him!

          She gave her word to someone who became essential and important to her. He made her feel safe and calm. There was no need for Luci to hide behind cigarettes like she used to do. There was no reason for her to smoke just so she didn't feel bored. She found someone that she could talk to, someone who could intrigue her imagination and intelligence. She loved spending time like that when she was a child. That was the moment that she realized that cigarettes were not what made her company anymore. They were just a tool for her to fly back to her memories, where she was spending time with her father and learning.  Those were happy and safe days… she did not have to worry about pointless conversations, obnoxious guys, and lying friends… she had her father… her king and the center of the world. Cigarettes could not satisfy the other half of her. She realized that there is that very special someone for her too. Likewise Luci`s father had his wife, her mother…

Now Luci had Vanja..  And so, it was only two of them left.