We Evolve Separately
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By Nick Hardeman
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It’s not that I can’t get past it; I don’t want to get past it. I won’t want to until I already am. It scares me to get past it. Getting past it makes me feel like it doesn’t mean anything anymore. This is the aftermath of a hurricane, and I don’t want to start the rebuilding of the city yet. I want to linger on the destruction. There is nothing left; the void is vast. Unimaginatively vast. It is colorful as can be in the void, but one cannot appreciate it if one is only seeing in black and white. So much is lost in the void. One cannot tell the difference between a dolphin and a shark, nor a flower from a nuclear bomb. Anyone can see the color, but one must choose to see the color. So I sit in solace as the sharks eat my organs and the nuclear bombs singe my flesh from my bones.
There is no ending without a beginning.
I would say I loved him. I wouldn’t say I was in love with him. Hell, I barely knew the guy. But I’m someone who can see the good in people, and I saw so much good in this man. Yes, he was simple, but simplicity can shroud the complex. He had a hobby that made him happy, friends that kept him company, and a steady job that kept him in good standing. He had a passion for the sky. Not quite space, but high enough that he could be in the clouds. He loved the feeling of being a bird. Flying a plane gave him the power to leave life for a little while. It was his meditation and solace. An aviation alleviation. You see, when he was three years old, he received a toy airplane as a gift. Ever since, his dream was to go where only planes could go. His homosexuality left him feeling rejected and alone. They sky was accepting of anyone. They sky promised to clear his mind and free him of his troubles. For he had many. His parents, once learning of his secret when he told them his first year of college, were very critical of him. He spiraled into a dark depression.
Nostalgia is bitter-sweet.
To become so invested in one’s work is to be totally selfish. You cannot bear mind to anyone’s feelings but your own, hardly. You have to be driven to do everything for your own personal gain. To do what is best for yourself. For what? To do what is best for others later? It still feels selfish. At least…initially. It still hurts presently. It hurts like nostalgia. Sometimes thinking about the future can inspire such feelings. Longing for what is yet to happen, if it is to happen.
Pain is inevitable.
I miss you. I miss everything about you. The way you’d gently cup my cheek when we kissed. How you’d slowly smile, like a picture developing in a red room, when staring deep into my eyes. But now, my longing for you is as irritating as a telephone incessantly ringing with no answer. It won’t go away and it needs to stop. But you inflict this pain. You unknowingly carve the blade deeper into the wound. It’s severing the bone now. Another inch to the left and you’ll knick an artery.
There is no suffering without pain, and there is no pain without suffering.
Your heart will hurt. For a while. It’ll seem like forever and will continue until you realize you don't have to live with the pain. This too shall pass. Those songs you associate with him will soon gain their independent magic back and bring you joy once again. A listening experience free of pain and remorse. You’ll soon realize you did nothing wrong and that everything was wrong with him. You are worthy of someone who will be there for you whenever, for whatever. They’ll do whatever it takes to be with you, no matter the long-term consequences. They’ll love you for you. But until then…
We.
Evolve.
Separately.
Wes. Never forget his name.
#inspired by true events #wes #we evolve separately