i never had truly been

in love.

i faked it

like everything else

happiness, excitement, pleasure.

told myself my stomach was built of butterflies

and cumulus clouds

even when he put his hands

on me.

i couldn’t ever see myself 

with anyone else.

and i said that through magma 

rolling from my eyes.

told myself

my head was light from 

domestic bliss

and not him bashing my skull against the

drywall.

the marks on my neck were from 

tender kisses

and not the calluses of his

hands.

any time he touched me it

was always without

permission.

 

even after i found strength in 

my bruised knees to stand

and walk away, he was

there.

always behind me

scratching at my throat,

poking needles into the nape

of my neck,

screaming into my ear

when i try to sleep at night

alone.

even after i left

he wouldn’t take no for

an answer.

i left, but he stayed by

my side.

without permission.

 

then i met you.

you reminded me of those butterflies,

clouds,

bliss,

tender kisses,

and you were every little good thing.

and none of the bad.

i showed you what he did

all the scars,

bruises,

hand-prints,

and you kissed them all.

and you counted me to

safety.

when he showed up the second

time i got drunk,

when he put the gun to my

head for the

millionth time, you were

there to push it away.

 

i am ready for you.

i have always been ready for you.

i know you are scared.

so am i.

i’m scared that you won't be

able to handle it for the rest

of our days.

because that's how long i want

you.

i want you for the rest of 

our days.

he wanted all of my time

and he took it

without permission.

 

like everything else he

took.

 

you want it too,

but not in the same way.

you want me to want you

to have it.

but the truth is

i don’t want it

i need it.

i need you to have all of

my time.

my mind.

my body.

my soul.

my energy.

love.

i need you to have all of

my love

i need you to have it

so no one else can take it

without permission.

because i only want you to have it. 

i’m giving you my permission.